Joy Dare::September

 13,707. Good first day of school
13,708. Good driving time with Anna
13,709. Last mango sweet cream iced chai for the season
13,710. Being available for friends
13,711. The yummiest coffee cake--that was shared with us
13,712. Beautiful colors in the sky this evening
13,713. Coffee and wedding pictures with Kaelyn
13,714. Aliza home for a long weekend
13,715. Jeremy so proud that his children laughed through Napoleon Dynamite
13,716. Isaiah worked through his angst
13,717. Aliza getting her brother ready for college
13,718. Linda is in the safest place
13,719. Afternoon on the beach with friends
13,720. Just being together
13,721. Finished a just-for-fun book
13,722. Lively, enjoyable Sunday School discussion
13,723. Everyone around the table for supper
13,724. Josiah had a social day
13,725. First hint-of-fall morning
13,726. Laughing at myself
13,727. Aliza got back to school safely
13,728. Josiah gave me a lot of grace this morning
13,729. Aliza really, really excited about a (free) new toothbrush
13,730. Bible reading with Anna and Isaiah
13,731. Josiah's first class went well

13,732. Baby smiles and snuggles
13,733. Late night talking with Anna
13,734. Homeschool PE connections
13,735. Hearing that my adult children choose to talk to each other on the phone
13,736. Cheering Aliza on
13,737. 9/11 phone catch up with Billy
13,738. Overheard "I'm already getting more comfortable with writing." -Josiah
13,739. Isaiah catching fish and kayaking

13,740. Spending the evening with our Sunday School class
13,741. Seeing some of my strengths in Aliza
13,742. Football season feels like fall
13,743. Josiah had the best time at his last youth event
13,744. Friend time
13,745. Computer work on the porch this afternoon
13,746. Encouraging Josiah 
13,747. Better sleep
13,748. Receiving Godly counsel
13,749. A beautiful evening to spend outside
13,750. Intentionally listening to the silly, seemingly meaningless noise of teenagers
13,751. Holding a sleeping baby
13,752. Isaiah excited about Kids Kamp
13,753. Asking for forgiveness
13,754. Reorganizing
13,755. Fresh air and sunshine
13,756. Planning for my new ESL class
13,757. Finding a real letter in the mail for me
13,758. An hour at the pool
13,759. New recipe that was accepted
13,760. Melted heart

13,761. Jeremy offered to pick up supper
13,762. Grandma and Grandpa live close enough for Aliza to visit them
13,763. Crisp grapes
13,764. Anna doing hard things
13,765. Jeremy's homemade pizza is the best
13,766. Getting a lot of little things accomplished
13,767. Vitamin C
13,768. Listening to Josiah
13,769. Candle flame on a rainy day
13,770. Holding space for Aliza
13,771. The tech conversations that Jeremy and Josiah have
13,772. Open windows
13,773. Wednesday supper at church
13,774. Kindle books
13,775. Mom and Moriah's visit
13,776. Cheering my kids on while they do hard things
13,777. Sticky buns
13,778. Just 3 children in the car can still keep the noise level high
13,779. Hugging Aliza
13,780. Family sleepover at Grandma and Grandpa's house
13,781. A spontaneous idea worked and I got to see Christie
13,782. Learning humility is serving a subpar meal at my in-laws house
13,783. My college kids discussing life
13,784. Long conversation around the table with Joel and Amanda
13,785. Finding pictures on my phone

13,786. Unexpected phone conversation
13,787. When the Geometry lesson turns out to be easy
13,788. Mid morning hot tea
13,789. First colored leaves
13,790. Life long friend
13,791. A few fall decorations
13,792. Sun after rainy days
13,793. Kiddos knowing how to effectively delay school 

13,794. Hearing the story of Aliza's day
13,795. Grilled chicken salad

 

Happy 12th Birthday Isaiah!

Fun and Transitions

The week after Aliza moved, Grandma and Grandpa came to Chincoteague for a week. The kids and I went for an afternoon at the beach. It was really a perfect day. Such a perfect day that I even got in the water. There is no picture proof...lol. Jeremy said he always misses the milestones! I'm sure it had been more than 20 years since I had been in the ocean. 

Later that week, we went to Chincoteague in the evening so that Jeremy could go with us. We had supper at Ledo's an played mini golf with Grandma and Grandpa. Of course, we also got Island Creamery--on BOTH of the trips this week!

Anna has her driver's permit! She was so incredibly nervous to take the knowledge test. Passing on her first try (with a 100%) was a huge boost to her confidence. I'm hoping she takes that confidence into her schoolwork this year! Anna was hesitant to start driving. It took about a week to get her behind the wheel. Now she asks just about every day if I can take her driving! It's always a relief to me when the kids have enough experience to drive our regular routes and I don't have to build in driving time into the schedule. 

Anna, Isaiah and I started school on Aug 31. Isaiah is in 7th grade. There is an increase in responsibility  and it's taking a bit for Isaiah to adjust. Anna has a lot of credits in 10th grade. She will be busy. It's nice to see her determined to apply herself and do her best. 

Aliza came home Labor Day weekend. We *may* all have been outside waiting for her. Aliza's favorite is a movie night snuggled up beside her Dad. The first night it was Napoleon Dynamite. Dumbest movie ever and Jeremy loves it. When the kids laughed through it and there was a standing ovation at the end, Jeremy was grinning. 

My first glimpse of a dental hygienist in-the-making. Aliza was practicing on her mouth model. Her 7 hour Labor Day drive back to school will, hopefully, be her worst drive. 

Then Josiah started college classes. Maybe I'm the only homeschool mom that holds my breath a little bit until I see my kid is going to succeed in college. It's probably how the mama bird feels in the moment between pushing the baby bird out of the nest and seeing it actually fly. 

He's had feelings and he's been able to function well through them. He has his to-do list that he keeps updated. I've heard him say, "This is a lot of character development happening all at once." And "I'm already getting more comfortable writing." I've heard him talk more in the last week than I have in a very long time (maybe ever!). As long as I'm the girl that gets to be his "emotional support" and is invited to sit beside him while he writes, I'll consider it a privilege!

 

 

Joy Dare::August

 13,613. Brilliant yellow goldfinches
13,614. The house all to myself for a few hours
13,615. Walking into a still-tidy laundry room
13,616. Sunday School discussion
13,617. Listening to Aliza process
13,618. Reading
13,619. Breakfast with Melinda
13,620. Isaiah's piano success
13,621. Sharing the same season of motherhood with Elizabeth
13,622. Disc golf evenings for Jeremy and the boys
13,623. A good podcast while I'm mowing
13,624. Finished painting in Anna's room
13,625. Morning walking
13,626. Giving the gift of listening
13,627. Hard topic but a good book

13,628. A couple hours in the library by myself
13,629. Playing CrossNet
13,630. Kids and youth playing/Moms visiting
13,631. Sleeping in
13,632. Anna had a very exciting find at Goodwill
13,633. Listening to our children carry on together
13,634. Hummingbirds
13,635. Finishing projects
13,636. Giving myself grace
13,637. Sunday afternoon nap
13,638. Just being together
13,639. Frozen chai and conversation
13,640. Serving supper for international students
13,641. Excited for our friend
13,642. Enjoying a Julie Klassen book
13,643. Lots of cooking
13,644. The last piece fell into place for Aliza
13,645. Grocery shopping with and for Aliza
13,646. Family game of CrossNet
13,647. Mama tears
13,648. Christmas in August with Chrissy and Matt
13,649. Josiah willing to ride with Aliza
13,650. Family ice cream night
13,651. Dark basement mornings to sleep in at Grandma and Grandpa's house
13,652. Such a sweet time with Christie
13,653. Holding Aliza
13,654. The fun of setting up a new room
13,655. Josiah's "I love you Mom"
13,656. Pride, excitment for Aliza along with the ache of change
13,657. Big kids with great attitudes to carry boxes to the third floor
13,658. Jeremy being patient with all of my tears
13,659. Pokemon around the table

13,660. When my plan works--Josiah got to youth group
13,661. Realizing I'm right where I'm supposed to be
13,662. Isaiah and Josiah's loud exclamations means they are having fun
13,663. Anna inviting me to just sit with her
13,664. A to-do list to keep me moving
13,665. Paper therapy
13,666. Anna playing guitar
13,667. Baby Will's smiles
13,668. A fun evening with some of our mini BFFs
13,669. Brownies and ice cream
13,670. "Your job isn't to determine the will of God; it is simply to determine the trust and obey Him" Ruth Chou Simon
13,671. One week in and Aliza is doing great
13,672. These summer evenings at home
13,673. Bowling with friends
13,674. Conversation around Mom's table
13,675. Hanging out with Van and Karen for the evening
13,676. Rain
13,677. Saturday Sabbath
13,678. Anna being completely silly
13,679. Connected with a young mom
13,680. Finished Romans
13,681. Perfect evening at the beach
13,682. Anna's success
13,683. Getting to be my people's cheerleader
13,684. Hearing how much fun Van and Karen had
13,685. Beautiful afternoon in Chincoteague
13,686. Getting in the water
13,687. Of course, ice cream!
13,688. Remote mothering
13,689. Catching up with Janell
13,690. Supper table discussions
13,691. Bluebirds flying in the morning
13,692. Josiah preferring to be the driver
13,693. My brother
13,694. Kids willing to happily serve together

13,695. Double rainbow

13,696. The process of organization made me feel ready for school
13,697. Spending the evening in Chincoteague
13,698. Watching Anna visibly gain confidence
13,699. Cancelled plans made for a quiet afternoon
13,700. Soaking in the late summer green grass and green leaves
13,701. Introducing a young friend to playing Pokemon at SU
13,702. A few minutes with Mom and Moriah
13,703. Prepping for our first day of school feels like a clean slate and a fresh start
13,704. Anna and Isaiah had great attitudes
13,705. Aliza passed first practical exam
13,706. Josiah had an evening with friends
 

My Heart

 I did not know how I would physically feel my heart ache. 

I did not know I would have so many tears just quickly streaming down my face. 

I did not know that those tears would spring to my eyes whenever anyone asks me how I'm doing...or when I'm writing about these first days.

I thought that it would be more like sending her off to camp. 

I thought knowing that I would hear from her regularly and during normal daytime hours would even, maybe, make it easier than camp. I mean, she will even come home for breaks more frequently than the 7 weeks she is gone for camp. 

Rarely, but every once in a while, someone else's words on instragram will perfectly capture what I'm feeling. It happened Tuesday morning. A mom who was a little bit ahead of me, had moved several daughters to college and had the perspective to put the feelings into words.  

I'm going to put her words in this space. This is whitneyflemingwrites. These are Whitney's words, not mine. 

For those of you entering the drop off season, let me talk to you about momancholy.

After dropping my first daughter off at college, I felt a little numb. The adrenaline of the trip had worn off, and I was struggling to get back into my routine. I wasn't sitting around crying (although I teared up a few times) but I wasn't feeling back to myself yet either.

I just felt off. 

When a friend texted to check in on me, I told her I was physically drained an emotionally spent. My daughter was doing well, but I was struggling more than I thought I would with this transition. She responded, "Oh of course you feel that way. It's called grief."

But grief felt too heavy of a word to use for the situation, one where I am also feeling pride and joy, hope and gratitude, love and heartbreak. I was thrilled that my daughter was adjusting so well and a little guilty that I was so sad she was gone. 

As I discussed these feeling online and with my local friends, a few people told me that they knew exactly what I was experiencing, and it was called momancholy.

And I can't stop thinking that it's exactly how I felt during this time. How I still feel during drop off season. 

Momancholy, like it's derivative word melancholy, is a depression of spirits, feeling pensive for what was, an abnormal state of sadness. It is so many feelings rolled up in one. 

My life has been a whirlwind these last 20 years. They have been so full of baking and buying and attending and watching and rushing and playing and fixing and consoling and loving. 

It all went so fast, and then one day you are standing alone in your kitchen with one (less) to feed, no (less) messes to clean, no (one less) bodies to hug. 

And you wonder, how did I get here? Did I miss it all in the doing? What happens now? 

And as you wipe away the tears, you know it went by in a blink, but you were there for it. 

It's grief and gratitude, joy and heartbreak, love and sorrow. 

I know I'm not any different. It's the life of every parent. 

It's Momancholy.

It's not quite grief, but it's not nothing either.

How did I survive sending my babies out into this world?

The answer is simple: I am just trying to find my way in a life that is so different than it was just yesterday.

And it is exhausting and it is draining and I am spent. 

It's not quite grief. It's not a tragedy. You will survive.

But it's not nothing either.

It's Momancholy. 
 

Moving Days

 Getting Aliza moved and settled at ACM was a multiple day event. It is so nice that Jeremy's parents are just an hour and 20 away from campus so we could use their house as a base. 

Thursday--we headed to West Virginia in two cars with a planned stop in Frederick for Christmas in August with Matt and Chrissy. It was a very short stop for Aliza and Josiah who were going on to ACM to pickup Aliza's books and dental hygiene instrument kit. The rest of us played pool and visited with Matt and Chrissy and went straight to Jeremy's parents house. 

Friday--Aliza left at 6:45am to attend the Dental Hygiene program orientation. It was an 8 hour meeting with a break that was too short to eat lunch. Everyone was too tired for conversation after the orientation, but Aliza got to see who her roommates are. 

Saturday--Aliza and I left at noon to get her checked in and an idea of how she wanted her room before the rest of the family arrived about an hour after we did.

My favorite story of the day happened in the doorway of the welcome center while we waited in line to be checked in. A man greeted us and was engaging Aliza in small talk. She reciprocated and asked if he was also a dad dropping kids off at school. He said, no, his children have already graduated from college. And he offered that he works at the ACM. Aliza asked, what his work on campus is. He said, I'm the President of the college. Aliza was very surprised! He continued to be very welcoming and personable. Aliza saw him again the first day of class and he remembered her name. 

I was quite glad that we had decided to make this a family trip. Aliza's apartment is on the 3rd floor. There are no elevators and no college welcoming committee to help carry things. With the 6 of us, it didn't take too many trips to get her things to her room.  

After the guys put together a few things, they went to play a round of disc golf. 

 Anna and I helped Aliza unpack and took a trip to Walmart. When the guys came back we were ready to put things on her walls. They guys were very patient with us girls that day!

We were all ready for supper by the time we finished! We ate at Chipotle. I did really great all day, but when I sat down with my food, tears were streaming down my face. There was no stopping it. 

We dropped her off at her apartment and then went back to West Virginia. (Basically I had tears in my eyes for the next couple days.)

Sunday--We were going to go to church with Jeremy's parents, but when we got to their house Saturday night I knew there was no way that I could get myself together for church. Aliza attended the church that she had connected with and then she came to her Grandma and Grandpa's house. She didn't want to spend a whole day alone with nothing planned. The original play was to go to Shepherdstown and play Pokemon, however, the weather was terrible and so we played for a little while around the table before the 5 of us headed home. Aliza stayed until after supper and then she went back to her new home and started class Monday morning.
 

The "Contract"

 

 I actually have the best friends. This time it was Cheryl who presented this 5 page "contract" to Aliza a couple days before she moved to college. A Mom can secretly hope that her child will return to the "kingdom" from where she came. A friend can put those hopes into fancy words and the one leaving for college will happily sign it. 

Here are some highlights of the "contract":

"I, Princess Aliza Marie, do hereby commit that when my time of learning has ended, I will return to my kingdom to take my rightful place. I will not be tempted by glorious riches to be found by employing my skills closer to the learning center. I know too well that existence in such realms is far more expensive than it is in my kingdom. I also know that the countryside surrounding my kingdom has great need for the things that I will be able to do."

"I, Princess Aliza Marie, do hereby renounce any love that would pull me away from my place and my people....If this near-perfect specimen of manhood exists, let him prove his love, devotion and excellence by returning to my kingdom with me. He shall be warmly welcomed therein..."

I was laughing by the time I had read to the end of page 4. But then there was fine print at the bottom of page 5. 

 "Please note, signature and conditions subject to the approval of the King of Kings. If Jesus directs my life in another direction than here stated, I am fully and freely released from the statements in this document, and will instead be responsible to follow the path that Jesus lays out for me. All in the kingdom will support this."

The laughter quickly stopped and tears filled my eyes because Cheryl captured my heart. I want Aliza to make "closer to home" her permanent residence but much more than that I want her to be where God leads her to be.