Indigo

The only flowers in my flower bed this year are perennials--you know, the ones that come back every year even if your flower bed is overtaken with weeds. I'm not sure how a person can feel pride in such a flower bed considering that they did absolutely nothing to help the poor plants grow. But, nonetheless, this is my indigo and I'm proud of it. This is it's 3rd year in my flower bed and every year I hope that it survives and prospers. My Mom brought a start for me from my Grandma's farm house in Ohio. Grandma has since moved to a retirement community and now this plant and the peonies next to it (that also came from my Grandma's house) carry some sentimental value for me. This is the biggest the indigo has gotten and the most blooms it has had. Indigo likes sun so it really helped this plant when we cut down the two trees that were closest to it.

Decisions, Decsions!

Neutrals---that narrows it down!!!

All About Josiah

In just a couple days Josiah will be 15 months old. I wish you could hear the noise he makes when he points to whatever he wants. I really should post a video. I can hear that noise ringing in my ears as I write. I can't wait until he starts saying a few words.

He had a first and a last this week. Last Sunday was his last morning nap. I have been putting him in his crib for a "rest" in the morning so that I can do a few things around the house. He talks and is happy so that works for me.

Josiah had his first time out this week. Josiah runs through boundaries. If I say don't walk in the flowerbed, he doesn't just put his toe over the line he runs through the flower bed laughing the whole time. Yesterday he was banging on the window with a block. Our windows are thin and very old and I have visions of them breaking any time. So you just can't bang on them. Well, Josiah was looking at me and laughing while he was banging on the window so I knew that he knew what he was doing was wrong. I sat him on the chair in the middle of the kitchen and set the oven timer for 1 minute. He got down and banged on the window again (laughing as he did). So I sat him on the chair for another minute. He got down and banged on the window again (still laughing). So he sat for another minute. Then he got down and got distracted with something else.

And here's the fun stuff he's been up to:

Josiah always wants to go outside. So he brings whatever shoes he can find to me to put on. He throws them at my feet, makes his noise, and sits down so that I can put the shoes on. Most recently he has been bringing me Aliza's snow boots. They are 2 sizes too big for him. It is so funny to watch him waddle around in them!

He sat here and played in the dirt for 20 minutes.

We got out the swimming pool this weekend. He didn't get in--just put his hands in. When he touched the water he would laugh.

Today I broke out his bathing suit. I love it on him! He took off before I got his shoes back on him. It didn't slow him down.

Handsome.

Very. Cute. Face. (I kiss those cheeks all the time!)

How lucky was I to catch this look? That is his mischievous face. A rock is in his hand and he is putting it in his mouth. All I have to do is say his name, No, or Hey and he throws it down or spits it out and says No, no, no. So....please explain to me....why does he keep doing it???? We are going to have the cleanest gravel in town because my little boy has licked all the rocks.

Building Permit #2

It took all of 2 hours for the Department of Planning and Zoning to issue us a building permit. How exciting for one step of this process to move along so quickly. Now we are done with the county (until it is time for inspections, of course). Brian needs to finish up the estimate and then we take those numbers to the bank for financing. I packed one box this morning to celebrate!

The Day I've Been Waiting For

I did it! I was alone with the children all day today! What a good feeling to be functional again. There are some things that still aren't right, but at least I feel like I can get through a day without depending on help. This morning I wasn't quite sure if I could do it, but I just "kept doing the next thing" and made it until nap time. Of course the children made sure we had an unusually early morning this morning!

Josiah with his big boy hair cut. He just started getting snacks in a dish. He thinks it is very exciting to reach in a get a Teddy Graham.

Aliza and Jeremy built a boat out of blocks tonight. She was quite proud of the final product. Josiah and I had to play upstairs so that they could actually build something!

Best News this Month!

Last evening Aliza came running to me holding the back of her underwear and saying "Mommy I have to use the potty!" I sat her on the potty and a few minutes later her called and said she was done. I look and, lo and behold, there was poop in the potty!!!!! And this morning her Pull-up was dry. Wow! I think that my kid is actually going to join the ranks of the potty trained pretty soon.

And other good news. I slept from 11pm-6am and fell back asleep to about 7am this morning. Jeremy slept in and I successfully took care of the children from 7am-9:30 this morning. I'm feeling pretty normal so far this morning. The trend should continue...

Building Permit #1

We have a building permit from the Health Department!!!! We prevailed over the red tape. Haha. Now on to Planning and Zoning.

I'll think about starting to pack next week.....

Patience

I'm doing better, really. I've had to remind myself a million times to be patient. If I could just sleep I think I would feel really close to normal. I quit taking the Benadryl because I felt so drugged in the morning. Instead I am taking Tylenol Allergy Sinus which has a much lesser dose of antihistamine in it. It is allowing me to sleep, but it is a light sleep with dreams. In the morning I'm not sure if I've slept and then I start realizing that certain thoughts were dreams and so then convince myself that I did, indeed, sleep. This afternoon I took a nap and actually slept pretty deeply. I needed about 1o more hours of that when I woke up! I felt like I'd been hit by a train!

So Linda and Mom are still helping me this week. I'm trying really hard to make sure I'm ok before I plunge back in to the normal routine. I do not want to overwhelm myself and land back in the nervous pit. If I could just get a normal night's sleep.... One of these nights it is bound to happen.

I did more today. I cooked the meals and did the dishes. I was more involved with the children as far as discipline and normal interaction. They look cute to me again! I watched Josiah want to give Jeremy high 5 last night and it made me smile. Josiah has been cuddly after his naps recently and I've been able to really enjoy that.

The mornings are still the hardest time of day. It is then that I feel most discouraged and wonder if I am ever going to feel normal again because I feel so tired. I will. It is coming.

I had to throw this video in for the fun of it. It is of Aliza taking pictures at Laura and Linda's birthday party.

Marked Improvement

Does this look like a Mommy deprived family? I sat on the floor last evening and it was about 30 seconds before everyone wanted my lap!

The breakthrough happened sometime yesterday afternoon. By evening last night I was totally relaxed. I could sit still and hold a normal conversation. When the children went to bed I just laid in bed and reveled in the calm. I almost didn't want to go to sleep for fear of ruining it! I tried to go to sleep on my own, but ended up taking Benadryl. And then I SLEPT ALL NIGHT LONG with no dreams. When I woke up around 6:00 I fell back asleep twice before the children woke up. I felt really wierd this morning. Only my hands were shaking....visibly shaking. I felt super tired and just had a hard time shaking the fog.

Since then I've felt good. I took a nap this afternoon and have felt really good the rest of the day. I even caught up on my bookkeeping responsibilities for Omni and have been thinking about that all day scrapbook crop I want to coordinate. I can't tell you how good this feels.

I'm glad it's the weekend. Jeremy will be around for the next two days. Maybe Monday I'll be ready for full children responsibility.

Thanks so much for the comments. Given my state of mind and body I think all of them made me cry!

It's a Low Moment

That's the warning! I'm writing at a low moment. Sometimes writing purges the soul. I found my posts from my previous round of high thyroid levels to be encouraging so by writing now I will be able to look back when I need to and maybe find some hope when the tunnel seems long and dark.

First of all I'm going to include a list of all my symptoms in case anyone else with hyperthyroid comes across this post. Some are cause and effect, I'm sure.

• unable to sleep/rest
• internal trembling
• pacing
• constant hand movement (ie. wringing hands)
• diarrhea
  
• weight loss
• dry mouth
• busy mind
  
• heightened anxiety

The doctor always tells me 2 weeks until the levels even out. In the past I've been able to notice a marked difference in a week. This is the most extreme I've been so I'm trying to tell myself that it could take longer.

Today is day 5 since my medicine was lowered. The day started out really well. I was able to lay still in bed this morning (no trembling or feeling the need to walk). I ate meals and snacks and was feeling pretty good about progress. Then this afternoon I took a nap and I think I actually slept for about an hour. I woke up really fast and felt horrible. Took about 45 minutes to walk off the nervous energy and then right before supper I had another round of diarrhea which sent me into a tailspin.

So often this week all I could see myself as is a rubber band stretched so tight that at any moment it could snap. At other times it is a caged animal. I have questioned my sanity frequently. I wonder if something more wrong with me than just my thyroid levels. I grieve that I had cancer in the first place. I think that is mostly what I am doing right now. And, most painfully, I have really questioned whether it is responsible for me to have more children if this is what I have to deal with on a semi-regular basis.

I have literally had someone at my house to help me for a week. Jeremy's Mom is here until the end of the week now. I dare not allow myself to think about next week.

On a positive note, Benadryl has allowed me to get some light sleep for the past two nights. I am thankful for whatever sleep I can get. I have also been able to function well enough that Aliza does not know that I am sick.

Thanks for listening!

This Week

Obviously it's been a bad week if I haven't even posted! I didn't even put up pictures of the tea party my mother-in-law and I attended last weekend. I'm not better, but at the moment I have peace of mind.

Last Friday I started feeling sick and chalked it up to allergies. By Wednesday I wasn't getting better and I was really starting to wonder what was going on. I was feeling nervous and jittery, no appetite, weight falling off of me etc. I was sobbing on Thursday morning and Mom told me to get my thyroid levels tested. I got my blood drawn and was able to get my results on Friday. Thursday night I did not sleep AT ALL. I would lay in bed for 20 minutes or so and my body would just be screaming to get up so I spent most of the night pacing the floor. Friday I got hold of the Doctor. He lowered by thyroid dose based on my symptoms even though the lab results actually suggested that I have almost too little thyroid. Since I've lost so much weight, though, the dose I was on is technically too high.

Friday I spent the night at my parents because I just couldn't handle the chaos and noise of my own house. It's a horrible feeling to feel like I can't handle caring for my children. But right now I can't. I feel weak and tired. I pace and get really shakey feeling on the inside.

Today I got impatient and my mind kept thinking that something else must be wrong for me to feel so bad. So I went to immediate care. The doctor I saw really listened to me and ultimately told me that every symptom I have is thyroid related and I just have to wait for my new dose to take effect. Probably a week or so! He wanted to give me sleeping pills or anti-anxiety, but both of those meds would cancel out my thyroid medicine and defeat the purpose. I'm glad I went though because now I have peace of mind having talked to a professional face-to-face.

I'll let ya'll know when I'm feeling more like myself and in the meantime you are welcome to pray for me and my family!

And below is a picture of my finger wound. It is just about healed a month later. At least one person wished I had posted the gorey wound. You can kindof see how long it is.