Three Things About Anna

 Anna loves sunsets and the night sky. Frequently she will grab my phone and take pictures. Later I find them and smile.

Over the summer Anna realized that she loves young children. She has so much patience to play with them for long periods of time. When we had the opportunity to have a 1 year old with us for a few hours each week, she was so excited.

Anna started guitar lesson in August. It's been so fun to listen to her learn and improve. I'm excited to see where learning to play guitar takes her.

 

The Last Few (Hard) Weeks

 I'm back. It's time to write. This is a piece of life that has been hard in a way that I have not known before now. 

I was the first to receive the text that the son of a friend had ended his life. He was part of my kids' lives at church. We knew him. He has been at our house, we have been at his house. It was a shock...a tragedy....a trauma. I made two phone calls to the pastor and his wife who were with my children at separate boys and girls Bible studies. I showed Jeremy the text, threw on shoes in the dark and made a beeline to where Aliza and Anna were. I had to be there when they found out. It's brutal to watch your children hurt in a way they have never hurt before. The boys arrived to where the girls were and we sat, cried, prayed, and cried some more together. I was there way too long before I realized that I had put on two different shoes!

We cried our way through that first weekend. I visited my friend who lost her son--maybe one of the hardest, scariest things I've ever done. 

Tuesday that week was a beautiful day. We skipped school and went to the Cove.

The children played together. I caught Aliza singing and dancing a little. It was good to be in the sun and fresh air in a place that we already had family memories together.

As that first week went on, I realized that the others who were as close or closer to this situation than I was were settling down, while my body was still completely in overdrive--anxiety and panic. In the process of me realizing this, Jeremy received a box of these books that his employees are reading together. He promptly gave me one. I had to laugh.

With my doctor, I made the decision to increase the anxiety medication that I have taken (without change) for many years. I remain convinced that my body had a chemical reaction to the shock and trauma that it could not recover from on its own. What I didn't know was that it would get worse before it got better. For several days my Mom stayed with me during the day. She did all the extra house things so that I could help with whatever schoolwork I could get the kids through. It was day 11 that I felt relief from the anxiety. I know that people have stories that last much longer than this...this was long enough for me to have all the thoughts of when and if ever I would feel like myself again. 

Given that it was someone else's mental health crisis that set off this chain of events in my life, I decided that it would be darkly ironic for me to keep my own mental health struggle a secret. I have been honest when anyone has checked on me. I've had to say no to things I would normally say yes to. I had to get a substitute teacher for my ESL class. I had to be honest with my children and tell them things about myself that they didn't know. 

I'm learning and growing from these weeks. I've learned that I don't have healthy emotional boundaries with friends. I try to carry burdens that aren't mine to carry in the name of friendship. I don't have an answer for that one yet. 

I found a spot in our bedroom that is my prayer spot--on my knees, face on the ground, desperate for God to show up because I found the end of myself. I had gotten ahead of myself, doing far too much on my own, in my own strength. Only God is big enough to carry the pain that life in this broken world brings. 

I've learned that I need my husband, my Mom, my Mom-in-law, my sisters, and my friends more than I had imagined. 

And, finally, I've watched my children be incredibly resilient. They cried and grieved hard. But they have also carried on and with great joy. Aliza still has moments of sadness, but they are short lived. She, too, has a small army of friends and adults around her to support and encourage and walk with her. 

I move forward from here with more gratitude for life to live and more awareness and mindfulness of the people around me.
 

Joy Dare::September

10,505. A walk through the zoo felt so nostalgic
10,506. A long, but safe, trip to WV
10,507. Coconut cream pie
10,508. Karen feeling so much better
10,509. A girls outing
10,510. Finding some good deals
10,511. Family Pokemon afternoon
10,512. Playing with Ronan
10,513. Preparing for the first day of school
10,514. 1st day and no tears
10,515. Sunset on the beach
10,516. Watching the wild horses
10,517. Discounted bread
10,518. Mom friends who also have high school seniors
10,519. The children outside playing together
10,520. Anna got to see a friend who lives in Georgia
10,521. Grace for the day
10,522. Prayer for the new church year
10,523. After school ice cream
10,524. Aliza feeling much happier
10,525. Meeting the other ESL teachers
10,526. Finished Week 1
10,527. Grandma and Grandpa arrived safe and sound
10,528. A day with Janell
10,529. Lunch with a cousin in colonial Williamsburg
10,530. The first pumpkin muffin of the season
10,531. Singing with Anna playing guitar
10,532. An encouraging church service
10,533. Sunday afternoon nap
10,534. Aliza came home super excited from theater
10,535. Successfully picked up groceries (it was an ordeal)
10,536. A much needed nap
10,537. Feeling much more like myself tonight
10,538. More focused school time
10,539. Cooking a potato for my Dad
10,540. Stumps taken care of--completely unexpected

10,541. A couple kiddos that still need to crawl in my bed during thunderstorms
10,542. Some time with Isaiah
10,543. Energy and enthusiasm for Wednesday nights at church
10,544. Hanging out with Meghan and the boys
10,545. Welcoming students to ESL
10,546. Brainstorming with Aliza
10,547. Starting the day with a walk
10,548. Visiting with Mom
10,549. Friday night at home
10,550. A super fast grocery order pick up
10,551. Cotton candy beach sunset
10,552. Gorgeous senior pictures
10,553. Car time with Aliza
10,554. Replanting succulents

10,555. Shoulder-to-shoulder time with Jeremy
10,556. A little extra cleaning
10,557. Hosting a Bible study time
10,558. Open windows
10,559. Porch time
10,560. Morning rays of sun
10,561. Studying Exodus
10,562. All the talks about post high school
10,563. Cut flowers
10,564. A full ESL class
10,565. Aliza and I working through communication
10,566. Visiting with Mom and Dad
10,567. Baking cookies
10,568. Special time with Anna
10,569. A stormy day to hibernate
10,570. Anna got to have her movie day
10,571. Isaiah always makes sure I have water
10,572. Aliza spoke so well
10,573. Thinking and feeling
10,574. Planning with Jeremy
10,575. Finishing a book series
10,576. Fall decor
10,577. Isaiah making milkshakes with Lydia

10,578. Mailing letters
10,579. So many things to show Grandma when she stops by
10,580. Hearing Isaiah thank his Daddy
10,581. Having a 1 year old with us for a few hours
10,582. Bedtime conversation with Josiah
10,583. Sunshine this morning
10,584. Mums that are blooming
10,585. An even bigger ESL class
10,586. Homemade chocolate whoopie pies
10,587. Being able to drop everything
10,588. My children were with the people they needed
10,589. Community to hold each other up
10,590. Showing up
10,591. Holding space for all the feeling and questions
 

 

                                                        Happy 9th Birthday Isaiah!