Celebrating Isaiah

We celebrated Isaiah's birthday! I almost forgot! The big kids thought it was terrible that I didn't have a big party for Isaiah. His birthday was in the middle of a busy weekend with full weekends on either end so it was low key, but I don't think he minded at all.

Cars and trains are Isaiah's thing. I made brownie cars for snack for his CBS class. When Isaiah saw me making them, he recognized them as cars right away and was really excited.

This time Anna was the one who wanted to buy a present for Isaiah. She also had some specific dessert ideas for his birthday supper. Ice cream sandwiches and candy! Grandad came for supper. We had a fun evening celebrating Isaiah.

I thought some train themed photo props would be fun. Aliza thought they were!

Treasures

Seven years ago my grandparents moved from a large house in South Carolina to the one bedroom apartment attached to my parents house here in Maryland. When she moved, Gramma down sized to the best of her ability, but she still brought more than could fit in her house here. Grandad asked us to go through the thirty or so boxes that were stored in the shop.

Here's what you have to know about Gramma. She was very sentimental. She saved every card that was sent to her. She sent A LOT of cards so she received a lot of cards in return. Gramma also loved to give gifts which means that she received a lot of gifts. Every gift she received was so special to her--which means she kept every knick knack, candle and collectible that was given to her.

My uncle got the boxes down from the loft for us to sort through. I ended up helping him so he didn't have to climb up and down the ladder. I may have encouraged him to just drop the boxes marked "photos" only to later find out that those boxes contained framed photos. We definitely did not handle those boxes in the delicate way that Gramma would have appreciated.

Mom, Janell, and I went through the boxes throwing away paper and setting aside things that were obviously for donation. Along the way, we did find sentimental things--like the corsages from the my wedding--which I took a picture of and then threw away.

Our children gathered things that they thought were pretty to take home. Anna has all of her treasures laid out on a bedside table in her room.

One of my Great Great Aunts had a hobby of blowing eggs and decorating them. The picture below is supposed to look like a lamp/lantern. We found quite a few eggs decorated by her and I kept the ones I wanted and the ones no one else wanted.

Then last week when my aunt and cousin were here, we went through the boxes again with them and whatever was left was donated. Gramma had several large collections of spoons, salt and pepper shakers, 2 different Christmas villages and a couple more. We laid out each collection and everyone could choose which pieces they wanted. This is the spoon collection.

In one box we found a bunch of desk supplies--crayons, paper, pens, pencils etc. I brought home a bunch of paper and a tupperware container of pens, pencils and such. Several days later I looked through it and in the bottom I found a business card of Grandad's when he owned the mower shop and this notebook that would have been used for marketing. That's one thing we quickly figured out--open up every box and drawer and anything else that can be opened because there is most likely something inside and sometimes it turns out to be an unexpected treasure or memory.

My van was full of boxes and when I unloaded them at Salvation Army I was sad. There was nothing that I wanted in those boxes, but it was another finality. Another moment when I couldn't believe that "someday" was today.

Joy Dare::September

September was quite a month! There aren't many pictures, but there is a lot to be thankful for.
4709. The littlest cousins

4710. Kinda begged Janell to stay for tea
4711. Windows open all day
4712. Shopping time with Anna
4713. Lunch with Maria
4714. Jeff taught Sunday School
4715. BBQ conversation
4716. God suggest rest; He commanded it.
4717. When a friend gives you just the bit of wisdom you need.
4718. A new supper recipe was an unexpected hit
4719. Remembering Anna is only 6 and ONLY in 1st grade
4720. Answering a bunch of questions about home education
4721. Heard one sister say, "I'm scared I'm going to wake up during the night feeling scared." The other sister said, "If you do, wake me up and I'll pray for you."
4722. Gramma won't have to have surgery
4723. School felt more natural today
4724. A really kind offer from a friend
4725. Ask, "What do you want me to do with this? not WHY
4726. Being able to find words for feelings
4727. Jeremy made me a cup of tea
4728. All 3 reading the passage for CBS homework together

4729. Car conversation about God
4730. Spectacular sunset and full moon from the 5th floor of the hospital
4731. Tears
4732. Reconnecting with my 2nd cousin
4733. Reception provided and taken care of
4734. Pictures, memories
4735. Grieving with my children
4736. Plastic plates and cups
4737. Joel and Brandi
4738. Found all the clothes I needed to buy
4739. Beautiful programs and bookmarks
4740. Dad talking to the great grandchildren at the viewing
4741. The unexpected people who came to the viewing
4742. Deb taking care of my children
4743. Meeting some extended family
4744. Flowers
4745. Finding normal again
4746. Anna's first dance class ended well
4747. Uncle Jay and Grandad around my table
4748. Helping in Isaiah's CBS class for the first time

4749. Aliza is so happy to be back with her dance friends
4750. Finding out someone reads obituaries
4751. Helping Mom for a day
4752. Josiah must have had a really good time with the men because he talked the whole way home
4753. Finding a few treasures in the boxes
4754. A last swim for the summer
4755. Giving a gift
4756. "Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less." C.S. Lewis
4757. A really short grocery list
4758. Getting old photos into boxes that can be stored inside
4759. Supper given to us
4760. William could help Jeremy
4761. Finding a treasure beneath all the pencils
4762. Practiced hospitality
4763. Did something just for myself
4764. The way parenting keeps growing me
4765. Getting all 3 girls to dance and Anna didn't cry
4766. Aliza could follow all of her Daddy's instructions to make the computer to work so she could watch a highly anticipated show
4767. "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him." John Piper
4768. Encouraging Josiah to keep trying new things
4769. The whole family eating supper together
4770. A God-sent phone call
4771. Peace and freedom in my soul
4772. Jeremy had a friend help him shingle the shed
4773. Card in the mail
4774. Aliza's bad day got better
4775. Tea and conversation and life long friend
4776. Meeting Jeremy's high school friend
4777. Cookie delivery

4778. Making that orthodontist down payment
4779. Spaghetti squash on the menu
4780. Leading worship and so out of my comfort zone
4781. Catching up with Meghan over a period of days
4782. A couple that Jeremy and I didn't want to stop talking with
4783. Morning chai with Mom
4784. Marigolds in a vase
4785. Aliza so excited about orthodontics
4786. The assistant that peeked out of the office to say that Aliza had the cutest giggle
4787. Josiah's drawers full of amazing handed down clothes
4788. Cool breeze and blue sky
4789. Anna shopping for Isaiah's birthday
4790. Girls playing together
4791. Pumpkin bread

Happy 3rd Birthday Isaiah!

Usually it's boots, pants and no shirt, but on this day it was boots, shirt and no pants. Isaiah is fun and sweet and ornery and smart and growing up and talking like he's going on 7 and my baby and I'll hug him and kiss him and rock him to sleep for as long as he will let me. 

Back to the Mundane

Today we finish our second full week of school. We've had some partial weeks earlier in Sept and late Aug, but it feels good to have a couple full weeks in. Aliza continues to be excited about school and high strung about getting everything finished in the time frame she wants to have it finished in. Josiah and I are finding a rhythm. He enjoys his reading assignments. I am waiting for him to read right now and it's taking him forever...and he just admitted that he didn't want to stop and is reading ahead. Anna is doing well with school. She doesn't like the discipline of having to keep at her lessons, but her reading is coming right along and she enjoys writing for the most part.

BUT let's talk about Isaiah. Do toddlers get more ornery when they have older siblings!? He's learned that if he chases the big kids with anything they think he might throw or hit them with, they will scream and run away and carry on. He employs this tactic especially during school time. Isaiah can make the biggest messes: I have found trails of lotion through the entire house that happened in a matter of minutes. He systematically peeled an onion on the floor (imagine the peelings all over the floor) and then put half a roll of toilet paper in the toilet while I was cooking a dish that I couldn't leave for supper. Anything that can be dumped will be. I'm finding myself putting toys up high that I constantly seem to be picking up. He's just generally messy, ornery and inclined to test limits and my patience at every turn.

And naps are another whole issue. I have always said that no 2 year old should be giving up naps. I think 3 year olds should still be taking naps! Isaiah has been skipping naps a couple times a week. It drives me crazy! It doesn't matter, though, whether he takes a nap or not, he is almost always the last child to fall asleep at night. I stay in the nap routine and most days I rock him for a long time and if he falls asleep, he falls asleep while I'm rocking him. Most of the time, I can remember that these are sweet times that won't last much longer. (I have wished, though, that we had bought a nicer rocking chair! lol)

On the other end of the spectrum, there is nothing like making the first orthodontic down payment that makes one feel like a parent of a growing up kid. Aliza had her scan and xrays for her expander this morning. She LOVED the whole process complete with smiles and giggles. It made the staff happy to have a happy patient. =) I'm not sure what it is that makes Aliza so excited about this process, but excited she is! I'll take it! It's a lot easier to dish out the dollars for a kid excited to participate in the process.

The Next 4 Days

Friday, September 8

In God's divine planning, Joel and Brandi scheduled this weekend to come to our house for a visit. The weekend turned out to be very different than we all expected, but having them here to help was a gift. So after sleeping just a few hours, I did the most minimum amount of cleaning for company and headed down to Mom's for a day of funeral preparation.

I arrived about 11:00 while Grandad, Mom, Dad, and Jay were still making arrangements at the funeral home. It was important to me that my children all go into their Great Gramma's house to know that it was still ok to be there and just to help them start dealing with the change of Great Gramma not being there. The children were really just amazing all day. They behaved well and handled emotions well.

Gramma had this saying printed and framed on a table, "We cannot become joy without seeing and encountering his joy." Gramma IS joy now. She has seen and, has not only encountered, but is in the presence of HIS joy. It was a day of intermittent tears and almost constant disbelief that Gramma was gone, but underneath I surely know that Gramma is in a perfect state of joy and health. 

My to do list for the day was to make a slideshow of pictures, coordinate printing of programs and bookmarks for favors and write my memories to share at the funeral. I also spent an inordinate amount of time communicating on social media and text. I want to remember the phone call I had with a second cousin who loved my Gramma dearly. I want to remember how a dear friend offered to design and print all of the programs and bookmarks. It took me all day to muddle through that and by the end I was crying because I didn't want to be done.

Saturday, September 9
I slept maybe 4 or 5 hours and woke up really early. I had not finished writing for the funeral and I knew I wouldn't have a remote chance of relaxing until that was done so I worked on that. Isaiah came down still half asleep so I held him and he fell back to sleep on me. By the time I had held a sleeping kid of an hour I was almost asleep myself so I stumbled back to bed and the next time I saw the clock it was 10:50am. I jolted awake and out of bed. The kids were in total disarray and there was no milk. Joel was out on a coffee run and I texted him in a bit of a panic to please pick up milk. He calmly texted back that he already had milk and was on his way back to the house. Thank God for Joel and Brandi! Brandi took care of all the dishes and who knows what else she quietly took care of. The afternoon was for grocery shopping and funeral clothes shopping with Brandi and the girls.

Sunday, September 10
Joel and Brandi agreed to stay until Sunday evening so that they could take care of our children during the viewing. The family had a private viewing from 4-5 on Sunday. All of the children had their emotions. Anna really cried for the first time. My Dad talked to his grandchildren about death and dying and then each child got to choose one of the teddy bears that Great Gramma had in her house. Joel and Brandi took our children to McDonalds, the park and Chesapeake Dairy for ice cream while Jeremy and I stayed at the funeral home. I want to remember all the people who came to greet Grandad, my parents and the rest of our family. I want to remember how strong Grandad was standing in front of the casket of his wife of 65 years and talking about faith--practically preaching to people who were there to comfort him. I want to remember my sweet friend and her daughter who came. I want to remember the family friends who just came and sat to let us know they were there for us.
Then we all went to my parents house for supper. It was exhausting and good to see people and good to visit...and exhausting.

Monday, September 11
The day of the funeral started with another hour at the funeral home for viewing. Family from Pennsylvania and Iowa arrived. This hour turned out to be a very important time for Aliza. The night before she did not want to get close to the casket, but on Monday she could not stay away from the casket. She wanted me with her and we would stand beside the casket and cry, then Aliza would be ready to sit down and a few minutes later she would ask me to go back with her. It was heartbreaking to watch Aliza saying good bye.

Because of logistics the graveside service followed the viewing. Janell had a pink rose for each of the children to carry to the grave and lay on the casket. Then they took a flower out of the arrangement to take home.

Anna and Renee ended up leaving the roses they took out of the arrangement tucked in to the cross from the great grandchildren.

I want to remember the amazing woman who came to each location and took care of my children. Isaiah was really done by the time we got to the graveside and she walked with him and looked for soybeans (there were plenty to find!). I want to remember life and death--Isaiah running happy and carefree and me facing the casket.

After the graveside we proceeded to Holly Grove Mennonite Church for the memorial service. I want to remember how much I liked having the service after the graveside. We had already said good bye and now to were remembering Gramma's life and the emotions were quite as raw. I want to remember how Aliza held her teddy bear all day. I want to remember how Aliza wanted to be involved--she wrote some memories for me to read and stood beside me holding her bear while I read them. She made mini no bake cheesecakes to add to the reception. I want to remember how Aliza interviewed Great Gramma on Aug 29 for a history assignment and how that essay was printed on the back of the program. I want to remember how the last question of that interview was "what do you want to be remembered for?" Gramma's answer was that she wanted to be remembered for her hospitality and how much she loved her grandchildren and great grandchildren and those words--hospitality and love--were the themes of the service. I want to remember my Dad's sermon and how he thanked his Dad for loving his Mom for 65 years. I want to remember how Dad suggested that Gramma's final act of hospitality is inviting all of us to answer the knock of God on the door our hearts. I want to remember how Holly Grove served and provided the meal after the service. I want to remember how beautiful I thought the flowers were on the tables. I want to remember the second cousin I met who has Down Syndrome. I want to remember going to Mom and Dad's after the reception--exhausted as we all were--because I wasn't quite ready for it all to over.

And I want to remember that I had the sensibility to take the whole week off of school.

Thursday, September 7

It's time for me to start writing. When I know that something is written, I can start to let it go--as in there are parts that I don't have to keep replaying in my mind over and over. I seem to write in chronological order by event so I'm just going to write as I can, as much as I can remember, about the day and days following my Gramma's death.

Thursday started out tough. We were slugging through our 4th day of school in our first full week of school. It felt like we were hitting a pretty good routine, but Anna was just being difficult. I had a feeling of heaviness and discouragement over some other things so I decided we would go to the library and pick up McDonald's for lunch.

In the car we ended up having a really great conversation. Josiah commented that it was hard to believe in God when we can't see Him. He and Aliza were going back and forth and then they started speculating about what hell is like. I joined the conversation and talked about how hell is eternal separation from God and that being separated from God is the single worst thing that could possible happen. We talked about how God created light and keeps the universe is motion and without that there is only utter darkness. We talked about how God is love and without God there can be no love and no good thing and how horrible that would be.

As that conversation ended I just admitted to the children that I was just feeling really discouraged. Anna immediately prayed for me. Aliza, in her wonderful 11 year old wisdom, told me that the best thing to do would be to only focus on the next thing instead of the whole day. That's what I attempted to do.

We pulled in to the library. I went to get Isaiah out of his seat and managed to bend my thumbnail back almost halfway down the nail. It hurt really bad and was bleeding. It didn't help my mood. We got our books and went to McDonald's. Somehow my order was misunderstood and I ended up with a bunch of extra fries and paying more than I usually do which annoyed me. Jeremy is so gracious though. He didn't get upset.

The afternoon went as planned. The kids watched their library DVD. Anna continued to refuse to do her schoolwork to the point that she was going to be working with Daddy after supper and I was getting supper ready when the phone rang. Called ID told me it was my Mom. I answered and she said, "Carla, Gramma just passed away."

The backstory: Tuesday morning my Dad told us that Gramma had fallen in the bathroom. She was taken by ambulance to PRMC and there is was determined that she had a break in her pelvic bone and that she shoulder was pushed into the socket. Surgery was not needed. The plan was that she would be moved to a rehab facility. I talked to Gramma on Tuesday and on Wednesday. She was in a lot of pain, but she was very happy to talk on the phone. Wednesday the nurses had moved her to sit on a chair the pain of which was almost more than she could bear. But she said, Carla, I'm going to pull through this. Thursday my Mom had visited Gramma for a few hours in the afternoon and after Mom left Gramma just slipped away. No one saw it coming or expected it.

So when I got the call from Mom I was shocked. I couldn't believe it. Over the matter of about a minute  it sunk in and I slumped to the floor sobbing. One of my first thoughts was that I had not visited Gramma in the hospital. I felt regret, but then it was the first moment that I reminded myself that Gramma is in heaven and doesn't care at all that I didn't visit her. Of course the children were with me and I told them right away that Great Gramma had died. Aliza cried. Josiah was tough. Anna didn't know what to think. Isaiah started acting out. Jeremy came home and the next hour was one phone call and text after another.

I chose to go to the hospital to see Gramma. I can't tell you why. I just knew that that's what I wanted to do. That is the time that keeps replaying in my head but I'm so glad I went. I sobbed. (I am now too, not sobbing, just tears falling!) It was my Dad, Mom, Grandad and Laura there and when the rest were ready to leave I couldn't go. Mom and I sat in the hospital room until the funeral home arrived. There was some miscommunication so it was a long time that Mom and I sat there. I arrived at the hospital after 6:00 and it was after 8:00 until the funeral home arrived. It was hard to walk out of the hospital room.

By 9:30 that night all of my siblings, my parents, and my Grandad were sitting in Grandad's living room together. I went straight for Gramma's camera. I wanted to see her lasts--the pictures that I will never order for her. The very last picture in her camera was her youngest great grandson (no surprise there!).

 The last picture of her and Grandad:

 And the last picture of Gramma that Renee took after giving her a bouquet of silk flowers.

Gramma always sat the the far end of her dining room table to write letters. Her address book and piles of cards and pictures were always there for her to work on. That was my second stop. The last batch of pictures I ordered for her didn't quite make it out. We found all of the September birthday cards picked out, ready to be signed.

And there was an atlas on the table opened to Texas. I know she was following that storm and the places that were affected by it. My last conversation with Gramma in her house was about the hurricane and how she could contribute to the cleanup effort.

So we sat. Mom and Dad read to us Gramma's wishes for her funeral service. We talked and brainstormed and sat. And then I was utterly exhausted. I got home at 11pm to find Aliza still awake waiting for me. I slept very little that night.