Some Things are Better Left Unknown

This is the week that marks the anniversary of my thyroid cancer treatments. Four years ago this year. Along with that I feel especially grateful for my voice. There has not been a Thanksgiving since when I sit at the table and think about what I'm thankful for that my voice is not right at the top of the list.

Today I am doubly thankful for my voice. Not only a voice that can speak words, but a voice that can sing a full range. Since I was told 4 years ago that "the vocal on the left side of your neck are not moving" I have had a bothersome cough. It is infrequent and has become less frequent over the years, but when it happens I feel like I can't breathe in and when I do breathe in makes a horrible sound. It is quite frightening which was reinforced last week when that cough happened four time since I had a cold and every time Aliza said, "Mama, you scare me." The fact that Aliza was scared sent me to the doctor--something I had avoided for four years.

My appointment was today. In some ways it was like reliving a bad dream. Having to go back to that office and face that doctor again. He looked at my vocal cords and sure enough...he said...."the vocal cords on the left side are not moving. After 4 fours they are not going to move. They are paralyzed." So how do I have a voice? Normally vocal cords meet in the middle of your throat. The vocal cords on the right side of my throat move past center to compensate for the lack of movement on the left side.

My cough is attributed to spasms of my vocal cords. Nothing to do about it. Just be careful about drinking enough, chewing my food enough and relaxing when I do cough to relax the spasm. The cough won't kill me. I'll eventually get air.

This was exactly why I didn't want to go back. I didn't want to know. Nothing changes. I still have a voice. I still have a random cough. My children will have to learn that is just how Mommy coughs sometimes. But now I feel like my voice is fragile somehow. Like at some point it will just stop working for whatever reason. I can't live in fear of that.

I'd like to tell the surgeon to be more careful. To slow down. To remember that he works on people with lives and families that are affected by his decisions. It's also tempting to see if I could get a few dollars of his insurance premium. I won't, but it's tempting.

I still believe God allowed me to speak again. But why did he stop short of fixing the anatomy? Of course if he "fixed" the anatomy I wouldn't have to keep trusting Him because it would all be fixed. This way I'm forever going to remember that I'm dependent on Him.

And I do praise him. I tell my children with a voice that I love them. I tell Jeremy with a voice that I love him. How can I let critical, degrading, judgmental things come out of my mouth when I'm dependent on the Lord to even speak anything?

When I picked Josiah up from his nap today my eyes filled with tears. During the weeks that I had no voice I remember pleading with the Lord saying that I wanted to sing to my babies...I HAD to sing to my babies. And I can! I sing to my babies. They sing with me. And now I'm crying again. I'm so so thankful.